Jokes from Obonjo Welcome citizens of Lafta Republic I've come here not only to address the distinguished men and women worried about their bank account balance , but to speak frankly and directly to the citizens of Lafta Republic.
I know that for those reading right now, the state of our your bank account is a concern that rises above all others. And rightly so. But while your bank account may be weakened and our confidence shaken; though we are living through difficult and uncertain times, I want all the citizens of Lafta Republic to know this we will rebuild our bank accounts, we will recover and we will remain stronger.
The weight of this crisis will not determine the destiny of the lafta Republic. The answers to our problems don't lie beyond our reach. I know when you check ur bank balance you see Red , bills have increased, pomo ,shaki, cow leg, abodi , fuku , eddo are now very expensive. Rice is difficult to find , no more uncle Bens, Tilda rice is now in fashion. Some families are now eating Goat Head for supper. You visit your friends and they offer Cup of tea and buscuit instead of the usual pounded yam , effo with assorted meat. Partners now quarell over who drove the car last to top the petrol. Women are no longer visting the hair dresser they are now shaving their hair to have a low hair cut. Men no longer visit the barber they have bought themselves Barber Clippers. If you have had two cars only one is drivable these days. Even Mosquitoes or yum yums are also complaining that the nourishment is no longer the same.
Well that day of reckoning has arrived, and the time to take charge of our future is here. We will need to take charge of our destinty not through wealth but through friendship
So I know how unpopular it is to be seen as helping Pastors bank accounts right now, especially when everyone is suffering in partt.
My job our job - is to solve the problem.
The Lafta Republic must be that nation again. That is why, even as it cuts back on the programmes we don't need, the budget I submit will invest in your ribs you will no longer feel hunger in your stomach.
It begins with energy.
I suffer no illusions that this will be an easy process. It will be hard.
But in my life, I have also learned that hope is found in unlikely places; we are not quitters our bank accounts wil be buoyant but for now eat less and stop worrying GOD is our strength. How to Beat the Credit Crunch Men its not easy its not easy its not easy the credit crunch has hit everyone
Here are the measures you need to take to have more money in ya pocket
1. Use the same teabag to make tea, you could use the same teabag five times
2. Shop at Wilkinson rather than Tescos
3.Shout turn of the lights
4. Use hot water bottle instead of heating
5. Squeeze your toothpaste tube for every last drop
6. Shop around for buy one get two
7. If you dont mind expired food or drinks look out for them
8. No more Moet aim for Pink Lady
9.No more chicken tighs more Chicken Wings
10. Take homemade food to work for lunch ur work mates are going to complain what is that smell
11. Car Sharing rather than drive into work
12, Visit as many friends at the weekends and fill your stomach
Credit Crunch Fever Poundstretchers are to merge with Marks and Spencers. The chain is to be called Stretch Marks.
Poundland is to restructure and will be called 50p Land .
Northern Rock is to be rebranded Northern Pebble.
Bank Managers are to concentrate on the Big Issues - they'll be out on the street selling them next week.
The Isle of Dogs bank collapses. Retrievers are called in.
Cadburys to launch a chocolate bar you don't have to pay for until next year. It will be called the Credit Crunchie.
The Origami Bank has folded. Hudson River Plane Crash By now everyone knows that the Pilot who crash landed his plane into the Hudson River, in New York called his wife and said "there has been an accident darling". Well what would it be like if this happened in Nigeria what would the reaction be it is likely the following will happen:
1. The Pliot would say mo dan ran aya me ti baje
2. The Plane will likely sink becos of the load wey the women dey carry for their back
3. The River will be infested with herbalist charm
4. There will be a storm of prayers, devil is a liar , no weapon fashion will crash the plane , father lord am sorry i slept with the housegirl.
Please add to the list I have a Funny Name With Obama winning the Presidency who cares if you have a funny name, I guess its too late to change your name back, just like Michael Jackson is regretting changing his colour, but here is a roll coll of Nigerian name changes for your amusement:
Obonjo- O'Brien
Lateef - Lincoln
sikira - shakira
seun paul - sean paul
Rahman - Raymond
Lekan - Lincoln
Suleihman - Solomon
Molara - Mo,
silifa -silver
fasakin-fashek
seye-.shey
ramota- .rammy
Bimbo is Abby
Tayo - Tyrese
Juwon - Jack
Ibukun - Ibru
Tolu - Tony
Babatunde - Barry
Ebi – Ebenezer Azuka - Abraham
Bankole - Cole
Jide - John
Eniola - Irene
Alapomeji - Alan
Feyisara - Frank
Beatrice - Bimbo
Ramota - Raine
Ese - Ernest
Debola - David
Tunde - Trent
Tajudeen - Ted
Kemi - Katherine
Dede mabialku - Dale Mable
Omofineboy - Ugly
AY - Alexander Yale
Ayodele - Alex
Oludare - Orient
Remu - Rosaline Women have a funny bone Men can really laugh their way into a woman's heart because a sense of humour makes them seem more intelligent. Women think funny men are also likely to be more honest than their more dour counteparts. Have you indeed wondered when and if you have a look at the lonely hearts column the ads placed by women list Good Sense of Humour. Women find men with humour more intelligent and will be a good provider for her. This latest finding would suggest why you see ugly men with the prettiest women.
I have to warn you the humour u crack must be genuinely funny for the man to be judged by the woman to be more intelligent. If you are not a funny man or find it difficult to have a sense of humor, Medical researchers are working on a tablet that would make u discover humour and attract the right woman you want. Testing of the tablet is currently taking place in Lafta Republic with a few men that have volunteered for the testing research. Results will be published soon.
Omougly Baba stated that " being funny has helped him to attract women since his teenage years, My weight was never a concern for me. I could always talk to them and make them laugh, so they tended to overlook my physical imperfections he said confidenty to Lafta Times. G20 Leaders receive a Goody Bag The leaders of the world's 20 richest countries have received a goody bag while in London.
Bamidele Obonjo, Nicolas Sarkozy and their international counterparts were also given a designer tie, chocolates and a candle but Obonjo's gift included the following
Kolanut
Akara and Bread
Agbalumo
Cow
Goat
Paw Paw
The goody bags were meant to showcase the best of the world's creativity there was a special goody bag for President Obonjo President Obonjo asks for Pure Water President Obonjo caused a minor panic during today's Press Conference in London, when he indicated that he wanted some Pure Water . Lafta Officials looked flustered but then the Lafta entourage silently exited and returned with a bag of Pure Water which was security service-approved water. Obonjo proceeded to swig from the bag of Pure Water in a manner no other leader could have done.
Now everyone knows Pure Water and there will be a demand for the water across the world.
Lafta Times G20 Alternative Menu Starters
Lafta Ham
Main Course
Lafta Communique
Yes we can arguments
African Sunrise
Ewa Igoyin
Amala and Ewedu
Save Africa from Madonna
Rice and Dodo
Panla and Ewedu
Yam Porridge
Side Orders
Credit Crunch Fish
Pure Water sauce and humble pie
Warm Words
Pledges no action
No African Leaders on the table
Desert
I cant Pay my bills cream
Overdraft pudding
Depression Cream
Recession Proof cake Uncomfortable Car A Yoruba man loaded with money splashed out on a new car, When he arrived at a party his friends asked him what he had bought himself, he responded by saying that I just bought himself "I am uncomfortable car what he was meant to say was that he had just bought himself " A convertible car". Carry Your Burden man went to Church on a Sunday of course and the message the Pastor preached to the congregration stated that you must always rejoice and Carry your burden.
He arrived home a few hours later and started wailing and singing, Carry your Burden, Carry your Burden the wife came out of the room and asked ahh what happened , what is wrong .
He paused for a while and immediately picked up his wife and started dancing and explaining to his wife ,the Pastor said in church we should Carry our burden and rejoice. Become a Citizen of Lafta Republic You are ready to do your best to change your world
2. You are a smiler not a frowner
3. You must get on with people and be prepared to laugh in public for no reason
4. You are ready to recite Obonjomania jokes to friends
5.You are ready to be happy even when you receive your bills
6. You are prepared to tell your friends about Obonjo
7.You have never embezzled money
8. You have not changed your name from Tunde to Tony or Bumni to Beatrice, if you have be prepared to change your name back
9. You wake up in the morning and you look at the mirror and you see Joy and Happiness, if not find it in your heart to be happy
10. You have a good character
11. When Nepa take light you say thank GOD
12. You see your bank balance even when it is in red you smile and say Devil is a liar
13, You turn every negative news into a Positive
14. If you win the lottery you will distribute the wealth amongst lafta citizens
15, If you are awarded a contract you will not inflate the price of the contract
14. You will not accept bribes
15. You will be prepared to stop you car if you drive and start dancing because you are enjoying life, if you cant do that if you are the shower start singing and call your name three times
16. You will always have good thoughts towards your fellow human being
17. You will learn to share everything you have
18. You have never been involved in 419
19. You must be god fearing no witches or witchcrafts
20. You will not be envious of what you dont have
21. You will be happy with any position you are offered by the President it does not have to be the Finance Position
22. Be prepared to name your favourite note , characters or videos of Obonjo Rats Policy As if we dont have enough issues in the UK with the credit crucnh, I am drving to work this morning and I hear in the news that the UK needs a Rat policy. Rats are growing in popluation in the UK and are due to take over in a few years time. Rats do not discriminate if you are black , white they will come at you.
Research suggest the Rats are so attracted to naija food like left over assorted meat , brokoto. Amala, pounded yam , jollof rice, ewa igoyin, ogi . akara, ewedu and other Naija other stuff are the main causes of the rat invasion in the uk. When these rats consume naija food they cant move for days. London has gradually seen the Rats become more aggressive even English rat poison cant work on them
The Health and Safety Chief Executive has decided to hold some Town Hall meetings in Peckham, Brixton and Hackney, where there is a large concentration of Nigerians to discuss and agree a way forward. It is likely that Nigerians will be banned from purchasing their meat delicacies, can you imagine what that means for a Nigerian not to have his or her daily ration of meat. Serving Rice., Eba or Amala without meat is a real punishment to the Nigerian community.
The Health and Safety executive is looking for ideas to resolve the issues. It has been suggested by the wider community that a Rat policy is what is needed in the uk. We need a Salt Policy in the UK Its amazing how we are at a standstill in England because of the snow. I almost fell on Ice , can you imagine a big man like me , anyway on my way to work yesterday, I switched on the radio and there was a debate about Snow and the Salt Policy.
Do you know England has run out of salt and all the councils are fighting amongst themselves accusing each other including the highways of stealing and rationing Salt, Can you imagine in 2009. Are we in England, are these people for real. Anyway one Chief Executive came on air and said we need a Salt Policy that would allow us to import snow from other countries. He sounded so upset and accused everyone for rationing Salt, I think his job is on the line.
I got home that evening and as I was about to use table salt for my food, I remembered the conversation I heard on the Radio. Why cant we use table salt , afterall table salt is not good for the body, anyway have been using my table salt to ensure my car park is free from black ice, since my council cant deliver or wont grit my road. I should ask for a rebate in my Council tax.
Come ooooooooooooooooooooo why is it called Black Ice
Obama Obama Obama how many times did i call your name
Okay Obama you have put every black man on earth under Pressure, our wives, girlfriends, mistresses and house girls are looking at us differently since you were sworn in as President of the freeworld
First things First congratulations for becoming the most powerful Black Man , African, African American man on earth. Thanks to you I can no longer claim the following;
I can no longer claim i did not get the job because I have a funny name
I can no longer claim I need to marry outside my race to be successful in the Western World
I can no longer claim that I cant succeed in the Western World because I arrived from Nigeria many moons ago
I can no longer claim I cant be led or managed by a younger man
I can no longer claim in order for me to succeed I have to be a rap artist
I can no longer claim I need to be in Prison first before I make it in life
I can no longer claim I need to be a Sports Man to be successful
I can no longer claim my tribe is a barrier for running for Presidency
Thanks to you my wife bought me two of your books to read and I am still on the first page
Thanks to you my wife says I am no different from you
Thanks to you I now have a virtual Presidential campaign on facebook
Thanks to you I can no longer sleep at night I have run out of excuses
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